A Lot of Grown Folks Don’t Like Their Parents—Honoring Them Doesn’t Mean Ignoring the Past

Let’s discuss something real. Many adults, including us from Caribbean, African, and African American communities, often find that they don't genuinely like their parents. We love them, of course, well, most of us do, I suppose. We attend family gatherings and help them with bills if necessary. However, if we're honest with ourselves, we may not enjoy being around them for extended periods or in a manner that feels emotionally safe. This sentiment is ubiquitious, while others may even struggle to admit that they love their parents, which is unfortunate but a prevalent feeling these days. 

We are not talking about rebellion, disrespect, or dismissing children as "soft" or "petty," terms I’ve heard some parents use to belittle their child's feelings. Instead, we are addressing fully grown adults—those who are raising children, paying taxes, and managing careers—who feel uneasy when they are around their mother and/or father. The smile fades, and the tension becomes palpable. This reaction is not just in their heads.

This isn’t about throwing shade or dishonouring anyone, as engaging in such behaviour can lead to unnecessary conflict and negativity. Scripture, in its wisdom, advises against such actions, particularly concerning our parents, who deserve our respect and understanding. This principle extends beyond mere familial relationships; it encompasses all interactions within our lives. It’s also not about harbouring bitterness or resentment, regardless of the accusations or criticisms you may have received from others. Instead, this journey is about something much deeper and more profound. It is about the importance of recognising the truth of our emotions and experiences. It encourages us to reflect thoughtfully and confidently upon ourselves, prompting the essential question, “Why do I feel this way?” This inquiry is not merely a superficial glance at our feelings; it is an invitation to delve into the underlying reasons for our emotions. It challenges us to explore the roots of our feelings, whether they stem from past experiences, relationships, or even societal expectations. By engaging in this self-reflection, we can begin to understand the complexities of our emotional landscape. It allows us to confront any unresolved issues that may be influencing our current state of mind, helping us to differentiate between valid feelings and those that may have been shaped by external influences. Moreover, this process of introspection can lead to personal growth. When we take the time to ask ourselves why we feel a certain way, we open the door to self-discovery and healing. It empowers us to take ownership of our feelings and responses, rather than allowing them to dictate our actions or define our relationships with others. This journey of understanding can ultimately foster empathy, both for ourselves and for those around us. It encourages us to view our experiences through a lens of compassion, promoting healthier interactions and a more profound connection with ourselves and others. 

It’s More Common Than You Think 

People don’t talk about this publicly because it's taboo—especially in households shaped by strict cultural or religious norms. You’re expected to honor your parents. And biblically? That’s true. But honor doesn’t mean pretending, which a lot of people and families do. Honor doesn’t mean lying to yourself or setting yourself on fire just to keep family peace. 

And let’s be clear—the law of honoring your parents doesn’t require you to neglect the truth of the past. You can be respectful and real. You can be direct and loving. Honouring someone doesn’t mean hiding what they did. It means telling the truth without dishonour, and setting boundaries without apology. Because grace and accountability are not enemies. 

The truth is, a lot of us were raised in households where emotional safety was not a priority. Where love looked more like obligation. Where parenting was about control, fear, and image—not intimacy, accountability, or understanding. 

Some individuals find themselves completely estranged from their parents, severing all ties and communication. For others, there may be ongoing contact, but this interaction often lacks emotional depth and is marked by underlying tension, unresolved trauma, or an uncomfortable silence. In these relationships, the absence of genuine connection can create a heavy atmosphere, where interactions feel forced or strained, leaving both parties feeling isolated and misunderstood. 

So Why Don’t We Like Them? 

Let’s name some things. Because healing starts with clarity. 

1. You Were Raised in Fear, Not Love 

If you find yourself flinching whenever someone raises their voice, shutting down instead of expressing your thoughts, or recalling a childhood where "discipline" often felt more like physical punishment than guidance, it’s a strong indication that you did not grow up in a loving and supportive environment. Instead, your upbringing may have been rooted in survival mode, where the focal point was not on nurturing but rather on coping with fear and anxiety. As an adult, it's important to recognize that these experiences shaped your responses and interactions with others. Acknowledging that this upbringing was harmful gives you the opportunity to seek healthier connections and redefine your understanding of love and discipline. 

They might’ve meant well. But meaning well doesn’t erase the scars. 

2. Everything Was About Control 

You couldn’t have your own thoughts. Your own style. Your own beliefs. You had to become a version of yourself that fit what they wanted, or you were punished, shamed, or gaslit. Even now, they might still try to control your parenting, your marriage, your money, or your faith—like you’re still 13. 

Control is not the same as care. 

3. Emotional Neglect 

Some parents never hit you. They never cursed you out. But they were never really there, either. No hugs. No deep talks. No emotional support. Just bills paid and chores assigned. That’s not enough. Kids need nurture. Grownups do too. 

Now you talk to your parents and realize… you’ve never had a real conversation. Just updates and obligations. 

4. They Never Apologize 

You bring up the past and they say, “I did my best.” Or “That’s how I was raised.” Or worse, they call you disrespectful for even bringing it up. 

Listen—nobody’s perfect. But refusing to own your mess? That’s not wisdom. That’s pride. And pride breaks families more than any mistake ever could. 

5. Judgment Dressed Up as ‘Love’ 

Some of us left the church, or found a different kind of faith. Some of us married outside the “approved list.” Some of us came out, changed careers, set boundaries, or went to therapy. And instead of support, we got scriptures weaponized against us. We got shame instead of grace. 

And at some point you have to ask: If I can’t be myself around you… why am I still trying to be close? 

Especially in Caribbean & Black Families 

This resonates profoundly in our communities. In Caribbean households, the sound of the belt against the skin was almost a sacred ritual—an accepted form of discipline that shaped behavior. Obedience was not just a lesson; it was a matter of survival. Parents were figures not to be questioned, and children learned early to eat whatever was served, follow directives without argument, and keep their opinions to themselves. In this environment, expressing emotions was viewed as a sign of weakness, and respect was often intertwined with an undercurrent of fear. 

In Black American homes, the experience echoed these themes, but it carried an even deeper weight—an additional layer of generational trauma that stemmed from the scars of slavery, the struggles of segregation, and the persistent shadows of systemic racism. The haunting logic guided many parents: “I beat you so the cops won’t.” There was a pervasive belief that in a world stacked against them, children had to "be twice as good to get half as much." Survival took precedence over nurturing, with softness and vulnerability relegated to a distant future. 

Yet, that hoped-for "later" never truly arrived. Now, as you navigate adulthood with a newfound emotional awareness and strive to raise your children with compassion and gentleness, a profound realization sets in: you were never genuinely raised; instead, you were managed, molded by the demands of survival rather than the nurturing embrace of love**.** 

But the Guilt Is Real 

Acknowledging the complexities of our upbringing can be emotionally challenging, often accompanied by a wave of guilt. You might find yourself thinking, “But they provided for me,” “They worked tirelessly to make ends meet,” or “They didn’t have access to therapy or resources like we do today.” While these statements may hold truth, they can also serve as a basis for guilt that others impose on you. For instance, parents might invoke phrases like, “Look at everything I sacrificed for you,” attempting to frame their parental duties as monumental contributions.  

However, it’s essential to recognize that some parents may have provided very little support or engaged in suboptimal parenting practices yet cling to the narrative that they did their best. This perspective can often be a delusion, a way for them to avoid confronting their shortcomings. They possess the ability to reshape your history and alter your perception of reality, leveraging their position to redefine the narrative in a way that minimises their failings and amplifies their perceived efforts. It’s crucial to disentangle their narratives from your truth, allowing you to understand your experiences more fully and break free from the guilt they may impose. 

Pain doesn't simply disappear because someone is exhausted or overwhelmed. Similarly, trauma doesn't dissolve just because someone has a demanding job or is dealing with their own challenges. Hurting others, whether intentional or unintentional, causes real emotional pain that deserves to be acknowledged and addressed. Even if the person who hurt you had the best intentions, it doesn't diminish the impact of their actions on your feelings.Pain doesn't simply disappear because someone is exhausted or overwhelmed. Similarly, trauma doesn't dissolve just because someone has a demanding job or is dealing with their own challenges. Hurting others, whether intentional or unintentional, causes real emotional pain that deserves to be acknowledged and addressed. Even if the person who hurt you had the best intentions, it doesn't diminish the impact of their actions on your feelings. 

Furthermore, it’s important to understand that God never intended for us to worship or idolize our parents. Instead, He calls us to honor them. Honoring our parents can take many forms, such as showing them respect, refraining from speaking ill of them, and avoiding slander. However, honoring them does not mean forcing ourselves to maintain a superficial relationship to placate others or avoid discomfort. It is entirely possible to show respect while also establishing healthy boundaries that reflect our own needs and experiences. 

Furthermore, it’s important to understand that God never intended for us to worship or idolize our parents. Instead, He calls us to honor them. Honoring our parents can take many forms, such as showing them respect, refraining from speaking ill of them, and avoiding slander. However, honoring them does not mean forcing ourselves to maintain a superficial relationship to placate others or avoid discomfort. It is entirely possible to show respect while also establishing healthy boundaries that reflect our own needs and experiences. 

Can These Relationships Heal? 

Sometimes, yes. But not always. 

Healing starts with truth. And reconciliation takes more than time—it takes repentance. Not just “I’m your mother” energy, but real humility: “I was wrong. I hurt you. I want to change.” 

If they can’t go there? Then your healing may have to happen without them. 

And that’s okay. 

Healing Without Reconciliation 

If they never say sorry, never change, never even acknowledge what happened—you still have options. You can: 

• Go to therapy 

• Create boundaries that actually protect your peace 

• Mourn the parents you needed but never had 

• Build relationships that feel safe and mutual 

• Pray, journal, and grow—with or without their approval 

  
  

God can restore your soul even if your parents never do. 

Final Words 

You’re not evil for struggling to like your parents. You’re not ungrateful. You’re not broken. You’re just finally honest. And the moment you start telling the truth? That’s when healing gets real. 

Let the world say what it wants. Let tradition clutch its pearls. But you? You deserve peace, truth, and freedom. And if that means redefining “family” to include only the people who see and honor the real you—so be it. 

Let the healing begin.